Growing up different is never an easy thing to deal with, whether you’re heavy, thin, short, tall, gay, straight, or a transgirl afraid to go to gym for fear of running like a girl and getting beat up because of it.
For me, it was the transgirl thing (obviously). I was scared to death of gym class, because, growing up in the South, as a male-bodied person, you are expected to want to play football, basketball, or other sports. Since I would wile my time away reading comic books and dreaming I was Wonder Woman, (or The Huntress), I was very different from those around me.
I remember dressing out in gym class in the boys locker room and trying so hard not to stare at them as they stripped down and changed clothes. I steadfastly kept my eyes averted, when I wanted nothing more than to look at their, well, you know. *laughs*
Imagine how naked I felt, (those who are T and reading this don’t need to imagine; you were there, too, in a thousand different locker rooms across the country and the world), a vulnerable girl in a room with all those naked boys. Very frightening.
Like most Tgirls, I was shy. I never went to school functions, save for the odd dance, but that was mainly to see the clothes the other girls were wearing; the clothes I wasn’t allowed to wear.
After school was a time for reflecting on the outfits of the girls in my classes. I would remember in fondness how this girl or that girl was dressed and whether or not I would look good in their clothes. Dancing with their boyfriends. This was not sexual, though I did, honestly, pleasure myself, when thinking of being with the boys in my classes.
As I got older, and I entered puberty, I felt horribly betrayed, as one might imagine. Here was my own body turning into something I didn’t want and could never understand. (I still don’t want it, though I do understand it better than I did then).
For a long time, I tried to live as society wanted me to live. I only occasionally dressed as I thought I should be, and never in public, not even on Halloween, sadly. Eventually, I got married to a wonderful woman. We are still married to this day.
Do I have any plans to go through with my transition? Absolutely. My eventual goal is to transition; to form a new Church of Athena, and serve the Goddess of Wisdom as Her Priestess.
Honestly, there’s not a day, a moment, that passes that I don’t think about being female. I dream about it. I wake up wishing to all the Gods and Goddess there are to fulfill that wish. Alas, this wish has yet to come true, though I believe the Gods are teaching me a lesson. The Gods want me to make this difficult transition to teach me something I failed to learn in a past life.
I’d like to think that all the pain I went through growing up as lead me to this point. All the fear, the gut wrenching terror of being in that locker room, of being discovered as an impostor. Such fear! Thinking back on it, I can still taste the fear, feel my pulse race. The claws of horror want to drag me down into that pit again.
That fear is what drives many transsexuals to hide, and rightly so. There are many people out there, some more violent than others, who would destroy you simply because you are different.
Being different is not a crime, but some may punish you for it, or try to. The best defense against these sorts is to simply not draw attention to yourself. Don’t go around announcing it to the world that you’re planning to have major surgery and remove/alter your genitalia. For some reason, I’ve not figured this out yet, but some people get deeply offended when you talk about having surgery on your body. I guess they think it belongs to them or something. Rubbish, that, but there it is.
Just be careful with who you tell. Once a secret like this is out, you can’t recapture it.
Thanks for reading,